Coming in just under the wire and continuing to fail in my claims that I will be writing these during work hours, but at least I'm keeping the streak alive. And let's hope the streak will survive the weekend, huh? I have a bad track record with my streaks/habits and weekends. Saturdays especially it all just goes out the window.
But that's not going to happen here, eh, gentle reader? No, it's not. I'll be keeping this damn streak alive, even if I just have to type the word 'goblin' 750 times to make it happen.
Saving that one for tomorrow.
It's a Friday night, late evening in good ol' NYC and I'm at home, pleasantly (if a bit heavily) stoned and barely keeping myself conscious long enough to type all this out. Am I going to be able to talk about game design of any kind like this?
Fuck if I know, let's give it a shot.
So, I think we left off yesterday talking about the basic building blocks of goblins in 3GiaT, right? Yeah, that sounds about right. There's a few components that are part of any incarnation of the 3GiaT archetype: Features, Stats, Trenchcoats, Positions, and- err, no, actually, I think that's it.
Look, it's a pretty streamlined system, if I do say so myself.
It is also a bad system, but that's purposeful because you are all bad people and you deserve this.
"You are all bad people and you deserve this" is, I think, my design ethos, especially for this game.
Anyway, let's take these one at a time, really dissect them and lay out all the ooey gooeys, pin down the, uh, tendons, and, ah, just sort of, um, roll... out? The meats. The inside meats. Of, y'know, game design.
We begin with the most intimate and defining part of each individual goblin: Features.
Now, before we go any further, I think it'll be helpful to create a sort of metaphorical visualization so that you can understand, as we build out these elements, how they all relate to one another.
So, picture an atom. Just a single one.
"OK, I'm betting he's saying that goblins are like atoms, and-"
WRONG. Goblins are like quarks.
Wait, wait come back hear me out: quarks each have different qualities, right? Like, Up, Down, Charm, Strange, Top, Bottom, right? And combinations of these different kinds of quarks forms the various neutrons and protons within an atom, which is then effectively surrounded by a sort of energy shell of electrons, forming a proper atom.
So, basic science facts established, back to goblins.
Features: they're the things that make each individual goblin unique, and you get two of them. They can be various combinations of physical features, personality traits, or unique powers and abilities. One goblin might have Big Ears (+1 to hearing rolls) and Big Feet (+1 to running), another might be Devious (+1 to being a vizier) and a Witch (MAGIC BABY YEAH).
Perfectly normal-sized feet, tho.
For a goblin.
"But Dan", you say, thinking yourself oh so very clever. How clever, clever you are. "But, Dan", you say, cleverly, "that's only two features! Quarks are always grouped in threes! YOUR ANALOGY IS A LIE, SIR!"
You fool. You imbecile. You moron. You slack-jawed troglodyte. There is a third quark, and we're just now getting to it: Stats.
Ah, I see you sitting there, stunned into silence. You're thinking, "he can't possibly be serious. Each Feature is a single thing, but Stats? There's two of those! Lying! Cheating! Health!"
You fail to consider one thing, apprentice: You are all bad people and you deserve this.
The third quark is Stats: you've got your two basic stats, Lying, Cheating, and Health. Simple numbers that determine how good you are at being a goblin, as they only have two ways of interacting with reality: lying, cheating, and most likely losing health.
Your Stats and your Features together form a basic Goblin, and each basic goblin is like a single neutron or proton within an atom. And when you get several of them together, you effectively form a nuclear core.
No one likes a naked nuclear core, tho. No one likes a bunch of naked goblins either, so let's cover them up with a Trenchcoat. Your basic trenchcoat acts as a sort of electron field, covering the quivering core of goblins, and acting as the interface between them and the rest of the world.
Tune in tomorrow when I talk about Positions, tho, 'cause I'm gonna blow your goddamn minds.
Are you enjoying this bullshit? You are, aren't you? Hot diggity! Well, did you know you can encourage Dan to do more of whatever the hell this is by joining the Uncivil Union over on ko-fi? It's true! Not only is this a signal to Dan that people want more of this, but you'll also get immediate access to The Vault, where you can pick up free copies of every single game he's written, and exclusive access to the in-progress docs for upcoming games.