And so we continue, tonight we are writing about Features, the next evolution in the design of goblin-kind. Having defined your Two Stats not just once, not just twice, but thrice, we move on from the ripe fields of Two Stats, barely having touched the surface of their creative potential and the myriad lands each one could lead you to. Before us stretch the vast, fractal plains of Goblin Features, and where we wander next, none but the brave, none but the foolish, none but the bravely foolish can follow.
But before we continue our adventure, metaphorically having risen from the briny deeps within our fetid bathysphere, and, legs shaking, staggering onto land, confronted with a landscape so vibrant, so vast, so utterly alive, that we may despair- what room is there for us, within this vast array. What purpose could we possibly serve that is not already covered within this maddeningly complex ecosystem?
But such questions are meaningless in the face of the truth of your new reality- regardless of whether there is a place for you in this new land, here is where you find yourself, and you will have to survive- nay, thrive here if you expect to ever see other, more distant, lands beyond.
Oh, if only you had some kind of map.
A road map showing where others have trod before, paths that, while wild and perhaps a bit overgrown, still show where it is safe to step, where the best places for food, for shelter, for water and for psychoactive mushrooms all are.
Well, if you were a member of the Uncivil Union, you would be able to do exactly that, by grabbing the copies of 3 Goblins in a Trenchcoat, and its just absolutely fucking stellar sequel, 3 if by Trenchcoat, a 3GiaT Freedom Edition special, that you would be entitled to as a member. But you're not.
Or are you?
Lucky for you, though, I do have such a map.
Hell, I wrote it myself.
And so we'll be able to delve into the mind and the thoughts of this brilliant, yet troubled young designer, by virtue of the fact that that person is me. Was me. Which, I gotta tell you, is pretty wild. Looking back at your past work, remembering what you were thinking at the time, memories tied to different parts, or drawings, words, within that work, leading you down a twisting path of half-remembered design decisions, chock-full of dead-end alleys and moments of realization that I must have been real freakin' high when I wrote this rule or that.
So, take my hand, gentle reader. Let's wander down that path.
In fact, I'll do you one better. We're going to crack open the books. And we will gaze inside and, page by page, decipher their secrets. Starting, of course, with the seminal work.
Now, as soon as you open the original 3GiaT (available right here for any and all members of the Uncivil Union), before you even get to your goblin features (here called, well, nothing, because I never thought this would see the light of day), we see a set of instructions that I feel too many players just skip right past, as if they were not important. But I assure you, gentle reader, that they are:
"But I don't drink, Dan!"
I assure you, gentle player, that you do.
"No, I mean I don't drink alcohol."
Oh! Well, that's fine and dandy and valid, and I respect that. Now... err... any chance you partake in the Devil's Lettuce?
"No, I'm straightedge."
Oh. Huh. And yet, you still desire to play this game? Well. I see. OK. OK, here's the thing- we need to refer to one of the original, founding principles here.
"... that I am a bad person, and I deserve this?"
Well, yes. But in this case, the other one: Fun over functionality.
So, let's examine the spirit of that rule. The "drink" is meant to act as a lubricant, a salve, a protective talisman. Something soothing, calming, and numbing, to protect the GM (for it is the GM that must take The Drink) from the horrors to come. It is a protective measure that can, if used correctly, mitigate some of the worst memetic effects that playing 3GiaT can bring about.
And so, we end this entry thusly: find something that comforts you, calms you, and eases your nerves, your tensions, and your worries. A drink. A smoke. A nice sit down with your cat, dog, rat, or assorted birds of prey. And gird your spiritual loins. It's time.
Are you enjoying this bullshit? You are, aren't you? Hot diggity! Well, did you know you can encourage Dan to do more of whatever the hell this is by joining the Uncivil Union over on ko-fi? It's true! Not only is this a signal to Dan that people want more of this, but you'll also get immediate access to The Vault, where you can pick up free copies of every single game he's written, and exclusive access to the in-progress docs for upcoming games.