You have Two Stats

Photo by Philipp Kämmerer / Unsplash

The man above is embracing his goblinity, and I respect that. Also, he's in the water, which will be relevant shortly.

Well, yesterday was a hell of a ride, huh? We strapped on our diving shoes and just went all in with getting some goddamn gobbos up and goblining, didn't we? That was just a splash of actual game design there at the end, huh?

(... heh, splash. Nice one.)

Let's not lose the momentum, tho, let's maybe just pick up where we left off and see where it leads us, huh?

So, yesterday, we examined the Two Stats, and how they're the primary way in which your goblin interacts with their world. We touched upon why the current, original Two Stats, Lying, Cheating, and Health, succinctly encapsulate the pure nature of goblinity that is a 3GiaT character.

And then we went ahead and threw that overboard by coming up with the Two Stats for a hypothetical race of aquatic gobbos: Swimming, Eating, and Scales.

Perhaps you feel you are owed some kind of explanation as to why I chose those stats in specific- an explanation that may shed some light upon the kinds of stats one should choose for their Two Stats implementation.

Allow me to disabuse you of that notion: you are owed nothing.

And yet.

And yet, here I am, giving you just such an explanation.

But why? When I just, explicitly, cruelly, coldly declared that you were owed no such thing?

I don't have to explain my Two Stats to you, and I don't have to explain why I choose to explain them regardless.

It's not like I like you or anything.


... baka.

We chose Swimming, Eating, and Scales as our Two Stats for a simple reason: because these are aquatic goblins. And, look, let's take a glance at how aquatic beings behave, yeah? They swim around. They eat things. And they have Scales.


"But Dan!", you cry.

Always crying, you.

"Dan!", continue your cries, "Not all aquatic creatures have scales!"

To which I reply: they do if you're not a coward.

Everything an aquatic creature might do is going to be covered by one of these Two Stats. Moving around? Swimming. Attacking an enemy? Eating. Trying to seduce a guard (a common goblin endeavor, based on my playtest experience)? Depends on how you're doing it? A seductive dance might be Swimming, while more... direct means might involve Eating.

If you catch my drift.

(... heh. Drift.)

Getting bit by a School Of Piranha In The Shape Of A Shark (SOPITSOAS)? You're gonna lose some Scales, my brother.

Hey check it out, we've discovered this world's Turkey (more on that later).

See, the trick is to focus your Two Stats in such a way that it makes sense that they'd be the primary way for your character to interact with the world. They shape how your character perceives the world, themselves, and their ability to affect it.

They are the hammers, if you will, that will make the rest of the world look like nails.

Let's do one more example: maybe you want to play Cyberpunk gobbos! In the dystopian cyber-future of Gobbo City, green-skinned hackers don cyber-trenchcoats and jack in to the Net to, uh, eat cyber-babies or something. Anyway, these gobbo hackers, like all goblins, have Two Stats: Hacking, Phreaking, and Bauds.

Hacking handles all the things that hacking might do, from entering places you're not supposed to be, finding your way around town, figuring out how to depower the guard turrets, and so on. Phreaking, on the other hand, is how your goblin is going to convince the bouncers at Club Cyber-Zero to let you in without paying the cover charge, fool the rent-a-cops into losing your trail, and find out information on rival goblins. And Bauds, of course, are what you lose when you get Hacked or Phreaked yourself.

Getting the hang of it, chummers?

Your Two Stats, as simple as they may be, are an invaluable tool for defining not just the general feel, the vibe, if you will, of the game, but also a way for you to define how you want your goblins, and, therefore, your players, to interact with the world.

What they are not, however, is the only way for them to do so. You see, we are about to get wild and wooly tomorrow as we examine the other aspects of a gobbo: their Features.

Are you enjoying this bullshit? You are, aren't you? Hot diggity! Well, did you know you can encourage Dan to do more of whatever the hell this is by joining the Uncivil Union over on ko-fi? It's true! Not only is this a signal to Dan that people want more of this, but you'll also get immediate access to The Vault, where you can pick up free copies of every single game he's written, and exclusive access to the in-progress docs for upcoming games.

Daniel Rodriguez

Daniel Rodriguez

The Bad Boy of Fandible. I like RPG's. Filthy leftist Social Justice Glitter Boy. Writes silly TTRPG games. Owned by a cat. He/Him. Demi.
New York, NY